i remember when i was 16 and we'd go out and swallow the night whole. pills and gin and half-smoked cigarettes. i knew that nothing bad would ever happen to us. driving around in your car feeling like we were living in the most important, vibrant place that had ever existed. if only you ignored the polluted river and the decaying buildings. when the rot of my current life had started lurking around but could be forced back into hiding whenever it threatened to fully reveal itself. i would give anything to live those days again, like every other fucking person in the world who has grown up into a life that they would now like to discard. i don't know. maybe that's everyone. i just know that back then when we were unaware of what we wanted from our lives there was some sort of touched grace to our indecisiveness, a hazy confidence to our lack of knowledge about the future. isn't it strange, how becoming an adult both ages you and reduces you to a child again

developed a recent attraction to sleepy-looking blonde boys

lest we die, unbloomed

i both regret and miss the person that i used to be

i wish i was a better person. i feel so stupid all of the time - stupid and ugly and inarticulate. being around people makes me cringe. rotting from the inside out