Built like houses in the seventies, 

born to self-destruct in messages.

I dreamt of you and me swimming. 

Your shivering, a little bit shy. 

We're only seventeen forever 

for a moment. I'm breathing like a boy, 

full of you.

a few nights ago i couldn't sleep and i was thinking about how although i have gotten progressively uglier since i first started sleeping with people, the level of attractiveness of the people i've been sleeping with has gotten steadily higher. i don't know whether i should feel good about this or not

"we met in the ocean. i was swimming and he came out to me in a canoe."

"I am in harmony
with my annihilation"

i remember sitting in the smoking area of a bar last night with one of my good friends and telling her that i knew it was going to be like this because it always is and i never learn. i don't take my pills for a day and i feel fine so i think, oh, i'll just take them tomorrow, and then it's tomorrow and i forget to take them again and this goes on for a week or so and i know it's stupid and dangerous but i feel so good that i manage to convince myself that i can do this, i can function like a normal person without medication. and then i'll wake up a day or two later and everything has changed and the idea of feeling like i did before is literally unimaginable. it has the same impact as i imagine driving head first into a brick wall would, it absolutely ruins me. and yesterday i was fine but today i am not. happy new year.

last night was strange and i didn't kiss any of the people i wanted to kiss and one of my friends said something so hurtful to me and i felt fine with it at the time because i'd drunk perhaps a litre of gin but today i'm sober and i feel terrible. i don't know what to do with myself. i want to get blind drunk or just sleep for a long time. i have a 6000 word paper to write tomorrow but i don't know how i'm going to be able to concentrate on it when everything feels so black. god, one of those days where the future seems like a specific type of torture. i wish life was easier.