i read something along the lines of "i'm not where i want to be but thank god i'm not where i used to be"

“The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd – The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.”

dark fleeting thoughts

Ruin yourself before they can.

If you don't have the discipline to hurt yourself then find someone who does.

Anticipate rejection because it is easier.

forever is forever is forever, but only if we're breathing this same air

take me away from a life that doesnt change

if you turn the bad in me into good again

saw my doctor yesterday evening and described to him how i've fucked up my life and hurt someone i love and got myself into (thankfully solvable) money problems and how i just want to feel stable for once in my life, he wrote me a prescription for these heavy duty mood stabilisers straight away and when i asked about therapy he told me to just go and take the stabilisers because he won't even consider referring me to therapy until im a lot more stable. have to get constant blood tests because they reduce your white blood cell count and can quickly turn toxic. i dont even care about that, i just want my brain to feel stable. i have never understood people who embrace mania or depression and view it as a tool to aid creativity and feel like their personality has been diminished or removed when on medication. its the worst thing in the world to me. its not who i am, its not a personality trait that i want to nurture, its a gross and debilitating illness that means that ive fucked up myself and other people and feel the weight of that every day