it sounds dumb and predictable but when i really think about my future i think i want it to be the white picket fence deal, which is something i'd never admit to anyone in real life. i don't know why i find it so shameful. i guess i'm still stuck in this bullshit mentality that struggle and hardship and wanting to change the world at the cost of your own happiness is much nobler, or something. but i want a small terraced house with a garden and dogs and someone i love and in this daydream i work with children but am also a somewhat successful writer and a closet is turned into a work room with plants and a sofa and globes and my typewriter. and it's not too far to visit my parents and i'm sober except for the rare times when i have a glass of gin and i spend my free time reading, at free exhibits, going to lectures, sleeping in beautiful outside areas, creating things, walking my dog, happy in my own company. i have a sweet old fashioned car and i don't care about what i look like and maybe there is a beach involved. i just want a lifetime of sustained contentment, something i don't remember ever having. or failing that, just a moment. a moment of pure, sustained happiness.
i'm so tired of being constantly disoriented by my own sadness
