dreamt about you almost every night this week

"Ruin your fucking self before they do. Otherwise they'll screw you because you're a nobody. They'll keep you alive but you'll have to crawl and say 'thank you' for every bone they throw. It's better to stay drunk or shoot junk and be a crazy fucker. If the rich guys want to play with you, make them get their hands dirty. Send them away gagging, or sobbing if they're softhearted. You'll be left alone if you're frightening, and dead you're free! You can turn the radiant child into a reflection of the shit you were meant to serve."

"The new disease came. I learn that time does not heal. Everything gets worse with days. I have spots like a dog. I cough and cannot turn my head. I consider sleeping with people I do not like. I need to lie back to front with someone who adores me. I will think more before I cannot. I love my mind when it is fucking the cracks of events. I want to tell you what I know in case it is of use. I want to go to the future please."

i am so unloveable. i'm not sure how else i can articulate it. i know i'm hard to like, hard to engage with. i know i'm selfish. i feel like i just have this unlimited supply of sadness and self-hatred and disgust inside of me, and it's made me so ugly.

i remember reading something in that famous edie sedgwick biography - a quote about andy warhol - it was something like, "andy warhol would have liked to have been born a rich, beautiful socialite from a well-regarded family. andy warhol would have liked to have been born as anyone but andy warhol". i always think that i would be happier if i was born richer, if i was born in another country, if i was born confident, if i was born thinner, if i was born conventionally pretty, if i was born with a certain amount of social status. but really the root of my unhappiness is myself. i could only ever be happy if i was born in another life, as someone else