Tuesday 18 November 2014

im never the one that anybody wants

i cant even articulate myself at the moment i literally have no skills or talent i just feel so disgusting

Wednesday 5 November 2014

sleep deprivation always seems to enhance my mania. i literally can't sit still today and my brain won't slow down, to the point that it's almost physically painful. i've been shaking all day. i rearranged all of the books at the library and paced the tiny room over and over and felt sick with anxiety and excitement and all of these feelings that i have no idea what to do with. whenever people say that mania is just being 'really happy' or 'getting so much stuff done!' i just want to laugh because it always makes me hate myself intensely, even if my mental health has been pretty positive, and i never finish what i start.

Monday 20 October 2014

my compass spins, the wilderness remains

Saturday 18 October 2014

"I am so lucky. I hate that I'm the lucky one. No one's ever lucky to have me. Nobody's ever been lucky to have me."

too real

Tuesday 14 October 2014

Wednesday 8 October 2014

"Isn’t desire always the same, whether the object is present or absent? Isn’t the object always absent?"

Tuesday 26 August 2014

keep meaning to write more lighthearted things like the time i wore a pair of tight farrrrr-upper ankle revealing trousers to work and hadn't shaved my legs in months and usually i don't give a shit about that but this day it threw me into a state of anxious nausea (lack of sleep, or abundance of caffeine) and i ended up spending £5 on some hair removal wax strips and plastering them to my legs in a public toilet and instead of removing the hair cleanly they left a gummy hunk of wax on my shins that coated the hair but! but! i could pull the ankles of the trousers down and attach them to the wax that remained on my legs and somehow this method kept my hairy legs from being revealed all day, and when i told my friend about this in a bar afterwards we laughed until i felt sick but now it just makes me feel unbearably sad, the tiny pathetic shit we think will heal us, bc i am a melancholy wreck forever and always

Wednesday 6 August 2014

there is a line in a richard brautigan poem, "I have so little left that you would want"
which i feel as though describes my entire life, and my relationships with other people
life has sucked me dry and turned me into this boring, empty thing, god damn

Sunday 3 August 2014

"i'm working as a librarian at the moment and if you have any unfulfilled fantasies regarding the position then so do i"
i should not be able to socialise when drunk, my god

Sunday 13 July 2014

"I hope you go to bed tonight at some point and appreciate what you have, yearn for little and wake up with the willingness to start over."

Monday 7 July 2014

reading a lot of books, listening to a lot of bright eyes. missing my mother. feeling like i did when i was fourteen and wouldn't sleep for days. a dead body was just shown on the television. my body feels weird and heavy, i've never been so aware of the fact that i'm a decaying sack of blood, organs, and bones. working at the library is good. i feel a strange kind of contentment when i think about how my life is going nowhere. keep pushing writing deadlines back. keep drinking too much gin on the weekends. i feel like i'm a child again. i wish i was.

Monday 5 May 2014

i'm back in my childhood home, in the childhood bedroom i shared with my sister until i moved out aged 18. she's living in another city now so i pushed our beds together - affording myself a luxury i never had as a child, a double bed. i just finished reading the goldfinch by donna tartt and it moved me like all of her writing does. there's always the same theme - innocence and innocence lost. she is forever stuck in the past, in the broken parts of childhood, in the moments that will define who we become when we grow up, if we ever do. it reminds me of a section in jonathan lethem's fortress of solitude, where the narrator tells his girlfriend that the reason he glorifies his past so much and views it with such wonder is because his childhood was the only part of his life that wasn't directly affected by his childhood...it sounds strange, typing it out, but that's something that's never really left me.

Monday 21 April 2014

i remember when i was 16 and we'd go out and swallow the night whole. pills and gin and half-smoked cigarettes. i knew that nothing bad would ever happen to us. driving around in your car feeling like we were living in the most important, vibrant place that had ever existed. if only you ignored the polluted river and the decaying buildings. when the rot of my current life had started lurking around but could be forced back into hiding whenever it threatened to fully reveal itself. i would give anything to live those days again, like every other fucking person in the world who has grown up into a life that they would now like to discard. i don't know. maybe that's everyone. i just know that back then when we were unaware of what we wanted from our lives there was some sort of touched grace to our indecisiveness, a hazy confidence to our lack of knowledge about the future. isn't it strange, how becoming an adult both ages you and reduces you to a child again

Thursday 3 April 2014

developed a recent attraction to sleepy-looking blonde boys
lest we die, unbloomed

Wednesday 2 April 2014

i both regret and miss the person that i used to be

Tuesday 1 April 2014

i wish i was a better person. i feel so stupid all of the time - stupid and ugly and inarticulate. being around people makes me cringe. rotting from the inside out

Thursday 13 March 2014

I am healthy I am whole but I have poor impulse control 
and I want to go home but I am home

Monday 3 March 2014

i feel sad in a way that i haven't felt in a long time

Sunday 23 February 2014

dreamt about you almost every night this week

Saturday 15 February 2014

"Ruin your fucking self before they do. Otherwise they'll screw you because you're a nobody. They'll keep you alive but you'll have to crawl and say 'thank you' for every bone they throw. It's better to stay drunk or shoot junk and be a crazy fucker. If the rich guys want to play with you, make them get their hands dirty. Send them away gagging, or sobbing if they're softhearted. You'll be left alone if you're frightening, and dead you're free! You can turn the radiant child into a reflection of the shit you were meant to serve."

"The new disease came. I learn that time does not heal. Everything gets worse with days. I have spots like a dog. I cough and cannot turn my head. I consider sleeping with people I do not like. I need to lie back to front with someone who adores me. I will think more before I cannot. I love my mind when it is fucking the cracks of events. I want to tell you what I know in case it is of use. I want to go to the future please."

i am so unloveable. i'm not sure how else i can articulate it. i know i'm hard to like, hard to engage with. i know i'm selfish. i feel like i just have this unlimited supply of sadness and self-hatred and disgust inside of me, and it's made me so ugly.

Thursday 6 February 2014

i remember reading something in that famous edie sedgwick biography - a quote about andy warhol - it was something like, "andy warhol would have liked to have been born a rich, beautiful socialite from a well-regarded family. andy warhol would have liked to have been born as anyone but andy warhol". i always think that i would be happier if i was born richer, if i was born in another country, if i was born confident, if i was born thinner, if i was born conventionally pretty, if i was born with a certain amount of social status. but really the root of my unhappiness is myself. i could only ever be happy if i was born in another life, as someone else

Friday 10 January 2014

Built like houses in the seventies, 
born to self-destruct in messages.
I dreamt of you and me swimming. 
Your shivering, a little bit shy. 
We're only seventeen forever 
for a moment. I'm breathing like a boy, 
full of you.

Thursday 9 January 2014

a few nights ago i couldn't sleep and i was thinking about how although i have gotten progressively uglier since i first started sleeping with people, the level of attractiveness of the people i've been sleeping with has gotten steadily higher. i don't know whether i should feel good about this or not

Friday 3 January 2014

"we met in the ocean. i was swimming and he came out to me in a canoe."

Wednesday 1 January 2014

"I am in harmony
with my annihilation"
i remember sitting in the smoking area of a bar last night with one of my good friends and telling her that i knew it was going to be like this because it always is and i never learn. i don't take my pills for a day and i feel fine so i think, oh, i'll just take them tomorrow, and then it's tomorrow and i forget to take them again and this goes on for a week or so and i know it's stupid and dangerous but i feel so good that i manage to convince myself that i can do this, i can function like a normal person without medication. and then i'll wake up a day or two later and everything has changed and the idea of feeling like i did before is literally unimaginable. it has the same impact as i imagine driving head first into a brick wall would, it absolutely ruins me. and yesterday i was fine but today i am not. happy new year.

last night was strange and i didn't kiss any of the people i wanted to kiss and one of my friends said something so hurtful to me and i felt fine with it at the time because i'd drunk perhaps a litre of gin but today i'm sober and i feel terrible. i don't know what to do with myself. i want to get blind drunk or just sleep for a long time. i have a 6000 word paper to write tomorrow but i don't know how i'm going to be able to concentrate on it when everything feels so black. god, one of those days where the future seems like a specific type of torture. i wish life was easier.