Sunday 28 June 2015

Saturday 20 June 2015

fuuuuuuuuckkkk i just wish i could get past this feeling of never being good enough

Friday 19 June 2015

its strange how your mind can switch from completely loathing yourself to extreme delusions of grandeur. what feels like basically a lifetime of intense manic highs counteracted only with long depressive lows has stopped me from having any kind of fixed place of reference for myself - simply put i just dont know who i am. i cant define or describe myself to other people. i cant make any decisions about anything, especially my own personality. im so used to being up and down and nothing is ever constant, every feeling is eventually fleeting even if it feels like its going to last forever - and experiencing the same feeling over and over at different times is not the same thing as that feeling being an accurate representation of who i am or what my actual state really is. nothing feels real. everything feels too real. its exactly how david foster wallace described it, when people want you to get better - and that awful realisation that the only thing standing between yourself and a worthwhile life is and always has been only you. that the bell jar bears only your reflection. that you are drowning because you have anchored yourself down in the water. that the black hole definitely exists and it is wearing your face.

and i think thats why pretty much all of the things i write mention or focus on mental illness, because it has taken away so many of the things from me that mentally sane ppl use to identify themselves wow this is so enlightening but also depressing as fuck

Sunday 14 June 2015

remembering the time i told my sister i'd done something stupid and her first response was "did you finally try heroin"