i'm yours, ghosts and all

the idea that things heal is bullshit. i can think about something small and seemingly insignificant that happened years ago and still feel the weight. i have never moved on. i will never be able to willingly detach myself from my life - the only time that detachment has ever happened has been during depressive episodes where i finally wake up and weeks have passed and i can't separate my dreams from reality. it happens with a frequency that astounds me. and it scares me, and i feel like a coward. and i watched secretary a few days ago and i didn't realise that so much of the story involved the pain we inflict on ourselves vs the pain we allow others to inflict on us, a contrast i'd never even considered before. when maggie gyllenhaal turns up at james spader's house after their relationship has been established and she bangs on the glass door and she's crying and she's trying to say something to him but all that comes out is "i want, i want" - i know exactly what she was trying to say, i want you to hurt me. not, i want you to help me or hold me or stay with me. i want you to hurt me, because sometimes that's the only acceptable way. and who is saved, who is healed?