i'm yours, ghosts and all

its strange how predictable people are, even the ones that you don't expect (thus adding an air of unpredictability, i suppose? unpredictable in their predictability. i don't know) how even the people who you think you connect with on some other level that feels not even entirely human are still forever drawn to the thin the pretty the delicate the intelligent the creative the privileged the articulate the mentally stable. and it's like...i am a woman but i dont even feel like i meet the basic prerequisites most of the time. i have heavy thighs and thin wrists and bruises and scars and crooked teeth and a beer belly and bitten fingers and shitty casual sex and a predilection for chain smoking when im drunk which is pretty much every weekend and a darkness that blooms out of me like a fucking beacon and a weight inside of me that i cant even begin to explain or carry or even really acknowledge