so fucked up how i perceive everything as rejection just to be on the safe side

its strange how predictable people are, even the ones that you don't expect (thus adding an air of unpredictability, i suppose? unpredictable in their predictability. i don't know) how even the people who you think you connect with on some other level that feels not even entirely human are still forever drawn to the thin the pretty the delicate the intelligent the creative the privileged the articulate the mentally stable. and it's like...i am a woman but i dont even feel like i meet the basic prerequisites most of the time. i have heavy thighs and thin wrists and bruises and scars and crooked teeth and a beer belly and bitten fingers and shitty casual sex and a predilection for chain smoking when im drunk which is pretty much every weekend and a darkness that blooms out of me like a fucking beacon and a weight inside of me that i cant even begin to explain or carry or even really acknowledge

it sounds dumb and predictable but when i really think about my future i think i want it to be the white picket fence deal, which is something i'd never admit to anyone in real life. i don't know why i find it so shameful. i guess i'm still stuck in this bullshit mentality that struggle and hardship and wanting to change the world at the cost of your own happiness is much nobler, or something. but i want a small terraced house with a garden and dogs and someone i love and in this daydream i work with children but am also a somewhat successful writer and a closet is turned into a work room with plants and a sofa and globes and my typewriter. and it's not too far to visit my parents and i'm sober except for the rare times when i have a glass of gin and i spend my free time reading, at free exhibits, going to lectures, sleeping in beautiful outside areas, creating things, walking my dog, happy in my own company. i have a sweet old fashioned car and i don't care about what i look like and maybe there is a beach involved. i just want a lifetime of sustained contentment, something i don't remember ever having. or failing that, just a moment. a moment of pure, sustained happiness.

i'm so tired of being constantly disoriented by my own sadness

“The calm, Cool face of the river Asked me for a kiss.”

how to accurately communicate "i only slept with him because i wanted you"

Never was, never is, going to happen

i haven't felt like this in so long. its strange but not unpleasant