i've wasted the past year on people that don't really care about me, on being in situations that have made me feel miserable and used, and on implementing unhealthy coping mechanisms that have scrambled my brain and body almost past recognition. the only slim, small, positive thing that could ever come out of this is that human beings, at any moment, are always capable of change. if i can fuck up so much and make decisions that have literally brought me to the proverbial and terribly cliche 'rock bottom', then surely i can reverse it. i can claw my way out of this, somehow. this is the only thing that is keeping me from a full mental breakdown, knowing that i can change this awful situation that i've put myself, and the people that care about me, in. i've decided that the best way to do this is to remove myself from any and all potentially toxic situations. maybe it's not healthy to want to retreat so much, but i can't bear the thought of the next few months resembling the past year in any way whatsoever. i need a completely fresh start. i'd rather spend the next few months in my bedroom writing and reflecting and shutting myself off from the world, only leaving to work or eat or see my parents. i don't want to see anyone else. maybe that's unhealthy, i don't know. i lost my point of reference for healthy/unhealthy behaviours and coping mechanisms a long time ago. i just can't bear to be around anyone, really, or to be in this town. it's so late. i keep swinging between feeling almost positive, almost excited that i am starting my life over, and feeling terrified, disgusted, because isn't it all so late? i need to cling on to the positive feelings, to the idea that i can take this into my hands and reshape it in a way that is good and whole

i have hurt the one person who has always loved & supported me unconditionally so much and in a way that is pretty much unforgivable, through pure selfishness. never been this angry or disgusted with myself. my life is pathetic but it fits. i don't deserve anything else at the moment.

sometimes i get stuck in these dark, awful places and i dont know what to do with myself

But at least I author my own disaster

fuuuuuuuuckkkk i just wish i could get past this feeling of never being good enough

its strange how your mind can switch from completely loathing yourself to extreme delusions of grandeur. what feels like basically a lifetime of intense manic highs counteracted only with long depressive lows has stopped me from having any kind of fixed place of reference for myself - simply put i just dont know who i am. i cant define or describe myself to other people. i cant make any decisions about anything, especially my own personality. im so used to being up and down and nothing is ever constant, every feeling is eventually fleeting even if it feels like its going to last forever - and experiencing the same feeling over and over at different times is not the same thing as that feeling being an accurate representation of who i am or what my actual state really is. nothing feels real. everything feels too real. its exactly how david foster wallace described it, when people want you to get better - and that awful realisation that the only thing standing between yourself and a worthwhile life is and always has been only you. that the bell jar bears only your reflection. that you are drowning because you have anchored yourself down in the water. that the black hole definitely exists and it is wearing your face.

and i think thats why pretty much all of the things i write mention or focus on mental illness, because it has taken away so many of the things from me that mentally sane ppl use to identify themselves wow this is so enlightening but also depressing as fuck

remembering the time i told my sister i'd done something stupid and her first response was "did you finally try heroin"