i'm yours, ghosts and all

i've wasted the past year on people that don't really care about me, on being in situations that have made me feel miserable and used, and on implementing unhealthy coping mechanisms that have scrambled my brain and body almost past recognition. the only slim, small, positive thing that could ever come out of this is that human beings, at any moment, are always capable of change. if i can fuck up so much and make decisions that have literally brought me to the proverbial and terribly cliche 'rock bottom', then surely i can reverse it. i can claw my way out of this, somehow. this is the only thing that is keeping me from a full mental breakdown, knowing that i can change this awful situation that i've put myself, and the people that care about me, in. i've decided that the best way to do this is to remove myself from any and all potentially toxic situations. maybe it's not healthy to want to retreat so much, but i can't bear the thought of the next few months resembling the past year in any way whatsoever. i need a completely fresh start. i'd rather spend the next few months in my bedroom writing and reflecting and shutting myself off from the world, only leaving to work or eat or see my parents. i don't want to see anyone else. maybe that's unhealthy, i don't know. i lost my point of reference for healthy/unhealthy behaviours and coping mechanisms a long time ago. i just can't bear to be around anyone, really, or to be in this town. it's so late. i keep swinging between feeling almost positive, almost excited that i am starting my life over, and feeling terrified, disgusted, because isn't it all so late? i need to cling on to the positive feelings, to the idea that i can take this into my hands and reshape it in a way that is good and whole