i'm yours, ghosts and all

saw my doctor yesterday evening and described to him how i've fucked up my life and hurt someone i love and got myself into (thankfully solvable) money problems and how i just want to feel stable for once in my life, he wrote me a prescription for these heavy duty mood stabilisers straight away and when i asked about therapy he told me to just go and take the stabilisers because he won't even consider referring me to therapy until im a lot more stable. have to get constant blood tests because they reduce your white blood cell count and can quickly turn toxic. i dont even care about that, i just want my brain to feel stable. i have never understood people who embrace mania or depression and view it as a tool to aid creativity and feel like their personality has been diminished or removed when on medication. its the worst thing in the world to me. its not who i am, its not a personality trait that i want to nurture, its a gross and debilitating illness that means that ive fucked up myself and other people and feel the weight of that every day