forever is forever is forever, but only if we're breathing this same air

take me away from a life that doesnt change

if you turn the bad in me into good again

saw my doctor yesterday evening and described to him how i've fucked up my life and hurt someone i love and got myself into (thankfully solvable) money problems and how i just want to feel stable for once in my life, he wrote me a prescription for these heavy duty mood stabilisers straight away and when i asked about therapy he told me to just go and take the stabilisers because he won't even consider referring me to therapy until im a lot more stable. have to get constant blood tests because they reduce your white blood cell count and can quickly turn toxic. i dont even care about that, i just want my brain to feel stable. i have never understood people who embrace mania or depression and view it as a tool to aid creativity and feel like their personality has been diminished or removed when on medication. its the worst thing in the world to me. its not who i am, its not a personality trait that i want to nurture, its a gross and debilitating illness that means that ive fucked up myself and other people and feel the weight of that every day

i've wasted the past year on people that don't really care about me, on being in situations that have made me feel miserable and used, and on implementing unhealthy coping mechanisms that have scrambled my brain and body almost past recognition. the only slim, small, positive thing that could ever come out of this is that human beings, at any moment, are always capable of change. if i can fuck up so much and make decisions that have literally brought me to the proverbial and terribly cliche 'rock bottom', then surely i can reverse it. i can claw my way out of this, somehow. this is the only thing that is keeping me from a full mental breakdown, knowing that i can change this awful situation that i've put myself, and the people that care about me, in. i've decided that the best way to do this is to remove myself from any and all potentially toxic situations. maybe it's not healthy to want to retreat so much, but i can't bear the thought of the next few months resembling the past year in any way whatsoever. i need a completely fresh start. i'd rather spend the next few months in my bedroom writing and reflecting and shutting myself off from the world, only leaving to work or eat or see my parents. i don't want to see anyone else. maybe that's unhealthy, i don't know. i lost my point of reference for healthy/unhealthy behaviours and coping mechanisms a long time ago. i just can't bear to be around anyone, really, or to be in this town. it's so late. i keep swinging between feeling almost positive, almost excited that i am starting my life over, and feeling terrified, disgusted, because isn't it all so late? i need to cling on to the positive feelings, to the idea that i can take this into my hands and reshape it in a way that is good and whole